Grief sneaks up when life is going well
Today marks 23 months without my mom. That’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve been thinking a lot about grief these past couple days, which makes sense for this time of year. Truthfully the timeline has snuck up on me, somehow both a cruel joke and a gift. In one way it is a gift I am able to grow in life and experience joy as time passes in this new chapter without my mom but that is also exactly why time passing is a cruel joke. it is a tough realization that monumental experiences will happen to you without the person who would have been cheering you on through them all.
My sweet mom and I at Disney World!
I accomplished one of my biggest lifelong dreams this year. I move to New York City. That was always a dream that my mom shared for me. The past three months have been a whirlwind of excitement, learning curbs, hard work, and experiences I did not know were possible. I’ve been wrapped up in a headspace of joy that I honestly have not experience since prior to losing my mom. I’ve met so many new people from all walks of life, got a job in the city, have begun building a network of a new community and overall have felt so proud of myself for rising to this challenge. But still there is something missing. Sitting in this joy can only last so long before the realization kicks in that the person I want to share this with the most is not here.
That is the biggest struggle with grief I’ve notices as time continues to pass. That initial soul-crushing feeling that accompanies you the first few months in early grief does start to subside. I never believed it when people would tell me, but it is true that one day without thinking about it, you wake up, start your routine, and you feel a new sense of normalcy. The grief is still there but it’s as if it is closed in a little locket to carry with yourself. It’s when that fact hits you on a random Wednesday because you had a difficult conversation at work and just want to call your mom to vent about it, or you have an amazing date and want to tell her about all the silly excitement you are feeling in this new city, or even when you accidentally put a material item of hers in the washing machine when you shouldn’t have and suddenly all the floodgates have been released. This is when grief decides to open the locket the most. When life seems to be flowing smoothly and you remember there is someone missing in the equation.
It’s a strange juxtaposition to live with, that only those who have the direct experience will fully understand. You are finally beginning to feel settled and happy in a new version of your life, but should you be? The answer is yes of course you deserve that, but you can’t help but feel guilty because you are missing someone so detrimental to who you are today. I cannot speak for everyone but I try to remind myself of a few things. After losing a parent or a close loved one, their love and aspirations for you don’t just disappear. You might not hear the words first hand that they have those dreams for you but they are there. I know my mom wanted this dream for me and this chapter of my life would not exist without everything she sacrificed in her own life. Although she is not physically here for this current chapter, the chapter is not just for myself but for her.
Taking the greatest loss you have suffered and turning it into a life filled with love and passions to be achieved is the toughest thing to do, yet everyone in this grief is an expert in it whether they believe they are or not. It is days like this where I am reminded of the heavy loss of my mom but allowing that to be okay. As I am privileged to get older, joyful experiences and accomplishments will continue to come. There will always be a little hole in those moments for her but that’s okay too. They are not only for me but for her because she is there in every moment. We are the best parts of the ones that love us.
Shelby Ferguson
